John Kasich Finally Understands What Is Needed to Win this Election.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. John Kasich? Who? No, he’s not our new vice principal, though I can understand why you might be confused. John Kasich, is in fact, running for the office of President of the United States. Surprise!

How’s that going for him? you might wonder. Well, you’ve never heard of him, so about that well. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. Not everyone can speak as passionately about fringe Republican candidates as I can. But here’s the puzzle. John Kasich is a legitimate candidate. He’s got the credentials: he’s been the Governor of Ohio, a major election state, since 2011. He’s got legitimate viewpoints. As a self-proclaimed moderate willing to compromise with Democrats, he should be appealing to a large portion of voters. He can debate, as he demonstrated at the first Republican debate which put his name on the map. But despite all this, Kasich is polling at a measly 2.8%. Don’t get me wrong, that’s admirable compared to Lincoln Chaffee’s one? maybe? voter, but compared to residential orange Donald Trump, Kasich has a long way to go.

Well, there’s good news. Up until this point, Kasich has stayed out of the dirty fray of the GOP politics, where candidates lob attacks at each other like they’re playing dodgeball (hah! I just thought of Rand Paul in gym clothes! Chicken legs! Chicken legs!). But, Kasich has been dipping his toes into this scalding hot bath, and it looks like soon he may take the plunge.

Kasich has recently gotten himself into some hot water with a couple jokes he’s made at his voters’ expense: to one girl waving her hand to ask a question, he said he did not have any Taylor Swift tickets. Bern! Needless to say, the girl was not thrilled (at the joke, and at the fact that he didn’t have any T-Swizz tix).

Kasich’s response to this and a couple of remarks along the same lines: “Lighten up, America!” The crowd loved it.

Here’s the thing: some of the voters don’t like the jokes, understandably. Now on the surface, this would indicate that Kasich is not getting better at running for president. But actually, it’s the exact opposite.

The name of the game is who can say the craziest thing. Trump calls Mexicans rapists and drug dealers? Carson doesn’t want a Muslim president. Carson trumped him! And guess what? Carson’s poll numbers are going up, up, up.

Listen, Taylor Swift jokes are cute, but they just aren’t going to cut it with this crowd. Step up your game, Kasich! If you don’t, you’ll be chillarying it up with good old Scott Walker and Rick Perry.

So what can Kasich do to stay in this game? Simple. Keep the jokes coming, buddy. Any press is good press for you right now. At this point, it’s time to stop trying to be the adult and come play with the little boys. Fight fire with fire. Bern baby Bern!

So I say to you Mr. Kasich, demand your attention. Do something crazy! Insult a minority group!

It may be your only option left.


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