Dear Mr. Trump,
It is with my utmost sincerest apologies that I compose this letter. Unfortunately, I will be unable to attend/perform at your inauguration tomorrow. I know you dearly looked forward to my french horn rendition of the “Star Spangled Banner,” but I am sadly preoccupied taking my AP European History midterm exam.
Do you know anything about the topic? I suspect you might. Your recent actions are strikingly similar to the instructions Machiavelli gives in his influential book The Prince. And, like Machiavelli, you are a revolutionary. He wrote The Prince in the vernacular rather than in traditional Latin, and you have also made political discourse accessible to the masses through your Twitter account. Brilliant! Further, Machiavelli sought to unite Italy through his work. You claim you attempt the same for our own great nation by repealing Obamacare. The similarities go on and on; surely they aren’t simply coincidental? I do like that you know your literature, Mr. President-Elect!
But back to your generous offer. I must admit– I was confused when I first received your DM. Flattered of course, but confused. How did you find my name? My YouTube horn videos, while obviously excellent in quality, are far from the most popular videos on the web. (Link not provided.) And, of course, I have not been the most kind to you on this blog. (Not subject to change based off of your recent invitation.) I was surprised that you would recruit someone who does not watch Duck Dynasty to perform at your special day. I was also a bit taken aback that you offered me this gig only today. I thought this whole ceremony thing would have been planned out months ago. But I respect procrastination. It’s what I live off of, anyway.
Again, I apologize for declining your offer. Please don’t misunderstand: I deeply appreciate this opportunity. I just wish you had asked me earlier. I probably would have still said no, but a little heads-up would have been nice.
Good luck to you Mr. President-Elect!