How to become a Trump cabinet nominee:

Even though President Trump has already chosen the nominees to fill his cabinet, the confirmed members have been showing perilously low approval ratings and have been met with hard-fought opposition by constituents and Democratic Senators alike. That means some positions might be opening up very soon… here’s how you can get your foot in the door. 

  1. Find an obscure cabinet position and oppose it with all your might. Trump will certainly pick you to head it. You’ve shuttled funds away from public schools Ms. DeVos? Perfect. You’ll take the Education department. You sued the EPA 13 times, Mr. Pruitt? Excellent. Would you like to run it? I’d suggest running a locally sourced vegan establishment into the ground with a McDonald’s and then requesting to lead the Small Business Administration. This will feed well into Trump’s hate for vegans.
  2. Be a billionaire. Own a yacht. These are the only people Trump likes to associate with, so it is an essential. (Okay, so some of his picks are millionaires. But I hear they’re kind of shunned in cabinet meetings… a sort of wealth-related hierarchy, if you will. Not reflective of the nation as a whole.)
  3. Personally insult a Democratic Senator. This will get the whole lot of them all riled up and they’ll oppose your confirmation to the bone. Don’t worry though, you’ll pass anyway because the voices of the people no longer matter at all to their representatives 🙂 But don’t take this opposition as an insult–wear it as a badge of pride. Trump loves a show, so the more drawn out your confirmation process is, the more tweets he writes about how unfairly you are being treated, the better.
  4. Make sure you boycott all the forbidden items at the White House. You know your one Muslim friend? He’s banned. You won’t get this position if you’ve got CBP up your butt. CNN? No. That Jake Tapper is a damn liar anyway. Meryl Streep? Forget her. You only watch the Apprentice now. (But only reruns of the glory days.) Your new go-tos are now Ivanka products and Breitbart. If this makes you feel like you’re selling your soul, then you’re not right for this job.
  5. The best way to contact Mr. Trump is to slide into his DMs. Not kidding. It’s practically the only mode of communication he checks these days. He’s a busy man! Just give him a buzz under the handle @kanyeeee and he will be sufficiently deceived. Then you can reveal your true purposes and he’ll probably give you the job.
  6. Finally, make sure you flatter Mr. Trump once every twenty seconds. This is the most important piece of advice I can give you. Trump needs validation very often or else he realizes the disastrous implications of his presidency and his enormous ineptitude. Please be gentle with him and speak in a loud, slow voice. Keep your vocabulary and sentence structure to a fourth grade level and all should go well.

Well friends, that about covers it. Follow my instructions to the letter and you’ll be at the heart of the operation in no time. Good luck, and Godspeed! -Julia

P.S. (A note from President Trump himself) If you fit all of these characteristics and you are BLACK or a WOMAN please contact me immediately @realDonaldTrump on Twitter. 


Cover Image Credit: CNN

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